i think, in Angola's mind, she's married to me (not uttered by a female)

can you please come over tomorrow and disfigure my face?

"its a photo that looks exactly like me but its a crack head who you wouldn't want to show up at your house and move your shit"

"says the guy with the 4 year jail sentence pending in California"

"shut up! you got deported too!"

"There's nothing more unattractive than a naked man galloping on a horse"

"I can think of something... a naked man on a horse, except for a t-shirt. Totally more unattractive."

"You're right, that's creepy."

i learned to run by chasing jen around!

i care about sex so little that i forget to masterbate.

you can't put that in the dryer with bullets in it!