i think, in Angola's mind, she's married to me (not uttered by a female)

can you please come over tomorrow and disfigure my face?

"its a photo that looks exactly like me but its a crack head who you wouldn't want to show up at your house and move your shit"

"says the guy with the 4 year jail sentence pending in California"

"shut up! you got deported too!"

"There's nothing more unattractive than a naked man galloping on a horse"

"I can think of something... a naked man on a horse, except for a t-shirt. Totally more unattractive."

"You're right, that's creepy."

i learned to run by chasing jen around!

i care about sex so little that i forget to masterbate.

you can't put that in the dryer with bullets in it!

"Jewasian"

"What's that?"

"A Jewish Asian. Or Jewsion, you know, like "fusion"?"

"it's a Jewish choir"

"oh, that's why there's no Asian kids... oh no! Wait, there's one!"

"what's that smell?"

"it's my socks burning." (said while leaning against fireplace)

"oh my god, it is your socks burning!"

"aww, look at her, sitting on her Binky..."

"what did you just call it?!"

"her BINKY."

(no response)

"shut up."

(after being interrupted by the cat doing something that he shouldn't)

As I was saying.... "If you change your mind, I'm the first in line, honey I'm still free, take a chance on me"

-this continues through 2 chorus's and another verse.

"Are you just fucking with me right now?!"

"No."

"ARE YOU RETARDED?!"

Babe he cant breathe...

He can breathe.

What just happened?

I just dropped my soap in the toilet, that we all pee-ed in, reached in, pulled it out, and rinsed it off.

I would have done the same thing.

Im gunna go wash my face.

I saw him in the last few years and thought, "how are you not dead yet?!" he's got to be at least 90, now.

if you're going to make me stand here, I'm going to put all my effort into your genitals

I had to paint 80 year old penis and testicles

Why are you looking down your pants in the middle of Denney's?

You remind me of someone Ive never met.